This Christmas.

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9:05 pm
Hi.
This Christmas was really different..
Maybe I'm just getting older? Or is it the recession?
No.
Even though I spent alot of time with family-
It's still pretty depressing and lonely.
I guess I just have to get used to this.

*Looks for another playlist to listen to*
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10:21 pm

I Get so distracted..
Note to self:
New year's resoultion: Focus Krystle, Focus!
I'm going to eat some left over bbq!
Steak and eggs.
Brb buttercups.

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11:58 pm

Just finished up a drama and my meal.
I'm feeling a bit better!
Drama's are so sad and hopeful, it makes me feel better!
I'm going to be up really late tonight...
To clean my room.
I have gift wrapping materials all over over the place!
brb in a few minutes.
Going to eat some dessert, and find Shadow!
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12:30 am

I know it's already a new day, but my day hasn't ended yet!
I told you guys I'd be up.
I'm eating my second slice of warm banana bread,
and sipping on Mountain Dew!
I couldn't find Shadow tonight too ;[
A new thought has arose though.

Whenever I open my backdoor this late, I still think about it.
Actually, I think about alot of things, but tonight I thought about you.
I just can't wait till the New year starts because on the last day of 2009,
I plan to reminisce, to think back, to cry everything out, and never look back.

When I opened the door and leaned against the door frame,
Only then I thought about that night.
That night I confessed to you.

It was a half moon..
I remember because I looked at it when you told me to come out the first time.
There were no stars out, and the moonlight made my skin look so pale.
I was cold, and tonight I was holding myself While I looked down the stairs.
I wanted to imagine how It felt like leaving.
So I walked down the stairs and I wanted to cry.
I was looking at two diffrent perspectives now.
Do you remember the last words I said?




I remembered gripping my mouth closed with my palm as I ran back to my room.
Because I could'nt believe what I just said.
I felt like a monster.

Remembering bits and pieces of my past- it just builded up from there.
I remember dropping to the floor and curling up into the corner of my room to cry.
Gasping for air. Because it hurt so bad trying to hold it in.
I was slightly rocking back and forth.
.......
.....

Enough of that.
What really had me thinking tonight is how humans react to things.
Why do we do this...?

Is it just natural to us..?
Is it because as infants,
we were rocked back and forth to be put into a restful heal-like sleep?

To be resorting in such a vulnerable area- A corner.
It's as if we're surrending ourselves...
Because you feel like you have no where else to go, right?

I know I'm not the only person that's been through this.
And I'm sure many has had it worse.
Just experiencing this horrible feeling- It's scary.
I really felt like my heart was going. to stop.


Everyone always says that hurting yourself, or even thinking suicide is selfish and stupid.
I agree to that to an extent.
But when your'e crying in a corner, gasping for air because you can't handle the pain of holding yourself together,
That adrenaline kicks in, and you feel like you can do anything.
For some, they hurt themselves for self pity...
Others do it because they feel like it could ease the pain.
But for me, I wanted to do it because I was so angry at myself.
I wanted to be punished.


And thinking back at it now, I'm so happy I didn't do a thing.
*sigh*
All of those years of counseling- I remember being told to call someone.
And I did.
And I'm happy I did!

Things will never be the same.
That's all I know.
And moments like these always makes you stronger.
I just don't want to experience that feeling ever again!

*Puts food away*

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2:30 am

Hey.
So remember what I wanted to do on the last day of 2009?
It's so much more.
For the next 5 days I'm going to be preparing myself for 2010!
I want to be ready for all of my resolutions and changes physically and emotionally!
For example, I've been eating alot.
One of my resolutions is to gain weight,
and I've been trying to expand my appetite! ^__^
(Meaning trying to stretch out my stomach so I can consume alot in one sitting. LOL)

Aside from other secret resolutions, (teehee)
Or other minor habits I want to rid....
There are emotional goals and plans I have!
....
Which is also a secret too, hehehe
You guys don't have to know.
All I need to say is that there is going to be change.
:]

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3:27 am

"Oh hey"

.....

Oh Hey,
Fuck you.



Getting off the computer,
Alot of new fun pics here if you'd like people.
http://krizkotv.tumblr.com/

.....
.....

And you.

Now that the jolly season has passed, I can do this.
When I'm not around, Do you feel lonely?
It's just the internet.
Maybe you'll see me in person.
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4:14 am
Ok I lied.
I'm not sleeping yet.
Hi.
I'm just starting to tidy up my room now, hehe
I just discovered an old glass of juice in my room that's starting to mold up, LOL
I'm so fascinated by it.
I took a picture of it, so you'll see it sooner or later.
:D
Be excited.
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