Sending myself into exile.

Horoscope!
"Tuesday, Jan 26th, 2010 -- You are feeling a new wave of tension rolling in today, but hopefully the carrot that is dangling in front of you is large enough to hold your attention. Resolve petty differences between you and your sweetheart now before they grow into an unapproachable mess. Stop making excuses in the name of love; you have work to do and you better get started."

DAMIT.
I hate you today horoscope, I hate you.


_____________________________________
11:48 PM
Hi.


Pressing my tongue against the roof of my mouth..
And over the tips of my fangs,
I can't help but savor this light painful feeling.
I just recently finished a hot cup of noodles,
and after the first scorching sip, I became numb.
I was careless.
I was hungry!
A few more slurps and I still could feel the burn- but I didn't mind.

I didn't mind because it felt good running down my throat and into my gut.
I was cold and I needed it now.
Before it was too late;
-before my pre dinner gets cold, of course.

....



.....

That was my metaphorical interpretation of how I'm feeling right now btw. burp*

I've had alot on my mind for awhile now..
Twiddling my fingers about my wants and my needs..
Contemplating about goals and time... and people around me..
Sometimes I just feel really lost and out of place.

I feel numb and a little fragile right now, its over whelming.
Right now I'm going through this phase where I really just want to be alone.
I still crave the comfort of others, and as much as I hate depending on people for that, it just feels really "right".

I think that I've toyed and manipulated my feelings so much that I'm somewhat romantically challenged. Or that my mental health is really disoriented..
I start to lose interest in alot of the things that usually make me happy, and I just get really depressed.
It's temporary though. (thank goodness)
But it still scares me.

After alot of practice and painful trials, I've aquired the skill to flip the "off switch" on the heart.
I find myself watching terrible videos of people being killed or tortured, and I won't feel a thing.
It's awful, I know.
It's a really empty feeling and I cant describe it, because even I don't know.

And it goes the same for people. Sometimes I dont really absorb the feelings people have.
I can see it, and know what it is, but I'm usually really confused and I don't know if it's real?


Something happened to me as a child, and you won't fully understand me unless you experience it yourself. I was too young to understand what was happening to me,
And If you were taught to make others happy by doing things that are usually sentimental to people today- All those little things that people cherish so much are much harder for people like me to grasp.

I'm getting off subject, and I should stop,
it's getting really late.
I'm really fucked up, I know.
Sill trying to accept myself..
Trying to take a different approach to this.


..
.....
I just want to be happy that's all.
Goodnight!<3

_1:37 am_______________________________________________

btw, I'm calling you right now. I'm okay now.
Good morning! :]