Last one for you.

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12:57 am

Hey.
This is the last post I'll ever mention you.
-You're welcome.

Don't tell me it makes you sad that I'm ignoring you.
That word makes it seem as if I am being wrong to you.
Yeah, I'm choosing not to have anything to do with you, but it's not me being ignorant or inconsiderate.
What you did, was painful.
You knew exactly what you were doing. Everything was fine between us,
(or so it seemed) and then suddenly you became distant and uninterested.
I found out for myself, and now you'd like you and I to still be "cool"...?
Really..?
No.
You were secretive and dishonest with me. If only you told me what was going on, and what you really wanted. If you sat me down and reasoned with me, I would understand and still want to be there for you no matter what.
Now, it disgusts me to see how excited you get with new jewels that sparkle in front of your eyes. It's child like.
But hey, I don't know anything at all.
I really don't.
And I don't want to hear it.
You want us to still be friends?
Why..?
So when things don't go right, you can always come back to me like old times?

The only thing I was in love with was your mind and soul. Cheesy as it sounds, I was in love with "us."
Because I felt like we've been in so much shit that we could always go to each other for comfort. That no one else could understand us or the things we've done.
I do not care about how many girls you've fucked (emotionally and/or physically) Those kind of things are forgivable. I own an extremely complex mind, many things are forgivable and acceptable to me.
But when you hide things from me and push me away, I can't do anything.

I strongly believe in equality- It means I don't chase after others.
It's important to me that we are all fair.
I'm a fucking Libra.
I will not feel okay leading a person on, or to chase others, and vice verse.
If I am pushed away, you break us as a whole, "We" do not exist anymore.


Then again, maybe I was just in love with "us."
It was like our little get away. When things changed, we changed.
I started to see through that. This secret "love" we had.
and I'd question you.
Taking out every bit, I observed and analyzed everything I knew about us.
You never did seem to want to truly connect with me.
You never did understand the reasons why I felt the way I felt.
I don't think you are even aware of how brain sick I am.
Gtfo.
just kidding.
Well, just don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Thanks for the experience and your time.
I really do not have anything left to say to you.
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1:14 am

Here's an explanation for you, and for anyone else that is curious to know why I am so "abnormal", odd, unusual, and/or "fucked up".

My childhood was different. It was not terrible though. A person I was close with did things to me at a very young age, so I didn't understand whether it was wrong or right, all I knew was that I made that person happy. And it pleased me that I did. We created this really close bond, and when I started to get older, I became very unsure, and things became forceful and frightening. One day It went too far, we just stopped. And it was never spoken of again. I lived my life as a normal kid, never did I once look back and wonder about it. I'd be utterly frustrated and confused with all of my relationships. Sometimes I'd look at my partner as if he were a brother to me. Doing physical things confused me, it seemed as if we were just conducting actions, exchanging saliva, and feeling flesh and skin most of the time. I was good at a lot of things, I loved to please to excite, and I still do.
I would observe and watch them, I would look into their eyes and just wonder. They always ask me why I do that. When I give you that "look." I was curious to know what they could be thinking or feeling... Playing with your hair and watching you fall asleep. I do feel that cute lovey dovey feeling, but I always question it. I am reminded and I end up over thinking. Then I just feel overwhelmed and flushed out. And I become numb.

Even till today, I am still confused with myself. I don't like to think about it because I end up becoming really depressed.
I'm just a huge mess, and I know it. That's why I've been so distant and careful with getting close to others. I don't want to hurt them. I feel that I may be too much. Maybe I need help.
There's also this guy. I've been talking to him for quite a while now, and he says that he could "fix" me.

I hope so.<3

[*Re-edit - To "fix"..... It sounds really bad I know. Allow me to re-word this..
He says that he can make me understand what "love" feels like, and keep it that way. Does that sound better?<3]

Yeah. I can say a lot of my past relationships weren't very good at "love making" LOL
(But please don't be offended. These people were never aware of my past.
It was just recently that I even began to remember it too.)
With them, It all seemed like deeds to me.
And there was very little foreplay.
Or foreplay was rushed to get there.
I obviously did not mind because I liked making them feel good.
A few ended quickly because it seemed that that's all we ever were.. I got bored.
Here's the problem, I need someone that can handle and control me, tease me.
Surprise and hold me down. Give attention to every limb on my body and take over.
It doesn't even have to be sexual.
When you hold my hand, I don't want to be dragged around aisles of a grocery store like a puppy. I don't want to feel like a child holding your hand.
I want you to take my hand and I want to feel safe holding on to it.

Okay now my words are turning corny.
I should stop now..
Leave me alone!!!!
LOL

ok bye