So,

____________________________________
10:29 pm

So I finished cleaning my room, I just need to vacuum up all the hair and pubes embedded into my carpet, and then I'm done.
Lately I've been catching myself giggling, or grinning.
Because when I think about how ridiculously in love I was with you, it humors me.
I would file my nails down so my claws won't hurt you, ignoring my self wants to put on acrylic nails, and decorating them. Which by the way, I need to work on a new set!
I would save certain garments of comfortable semi sleep clothes, for when I'd see you, these were my most comfiest and my favorite garments to sleep in with,
I would save them.
Sometimes I wouldn't wash my pillow cases until your scent worn out.
Leaving you sweet texts the next morning..
The night before Valentines I was excited. I got all dolled up, wore a cute dress, shaved my legs, and even shaped my pubes in a heart shape, (LOL)
That was for myself though. Not for you to see.
I wasnt planning on seeing you, but I thought that maybe there could be a chance I'd bump into you at the mall..
And that, maybe you'd put on that face that says: " omg. Hey, She's pretty."
It's embarrassing thinking of it now.
Fuck you.
No.
Fuck me for all the times I've felt lucky because I thought I was special and different to you.
You had me. You really did. Getting to see me whenever you'd like to, All those times I took you in, I was down for anything.
When I cleaned today, I stumbled upon my mini black graph book.
I take this book everywhere with me- I doodle and write down my thoughts.




"I'm still worried about him."
That was the night after you had to leave because of your health. I'd spend nights researching on the internet to see what could be wrong with you. I was worried and it bothered me for a long time. Just knowing that there was something capable of taking you away from me, fuck me.

Enough of you, I'm getting myself angry.
Also, another thing that has been bothering me- friends.
I miss my friend Vi terribly. And as much as I would like to have another friend with the same interests, I feel that it could be almost impossible.
This island is too fucking small.
I would at least like some fun company to hang out with, being alone is interesting, but it gets lonely in time.
Then again, I'm afraid of getting close to anyone else.
Sigh.
____________________________________

Beautiful- Eminem

10:17 pm
__________________________________________

"If I truly wanted to be cruel to someone, I would make that person fall in love with me. Then I would disown them and completely disappear into a sad silence. Love and mystery are my weapons of choice."

So tomorrow is Friday. I plan to do this thing I like to call " disinfestation"
In the dictionary, this is the activity of getting rid of vermin.
Vermin are any various types of insects, or pests, and even irritating persons.
And I do not mean "irritating" by a person's self, but the feeling alone.
The feeling of discomfort.
Bothersome, and painful feelings that do not go away.
I want to get rid of it.
Because even trying to rid you from my head isn't enough.
All of the little objects and reminders I have lingering around, it needs to go.
Tomorrow I am going to scrape away everything that brings even the tiniest faint thought of you.
All those texts, I will delete them.
That last can of Strawberry Lilikoi I've always saved, I'm going to chill it, and fucking enjoy every last sweet drop.
My whiteboard, will be clean, and reusable again.
And so much more I do not need to mention.

I've done this process before, and in the end I become very excited with myself-
its unbearable and I even start to cry, or laugh hysterically.
I am a mad scientist, don't you remember?


This whole thing, it's not me regretting anything at all.
I loved this experience, and I am thankful for it.
I've become mentally stronger.
Things are much clearer to me now, I don't get too lost in this "mysterious fog"
I am alert, witty, and careful now, I can almost see right though many,
Soon, things will be clear to you too, you are going to look at me in a way you've never seen me before, and you are going to feel awful.

I really do not know how long i'm going to be away, but if we ever cross paths,
I am not looking twice.
I have nothing left to say to you.

- Krystle
____________________________________________________________________

11:43

I keep getting those quick dip like pains.
You know that funny feeling you get in your tummy when you're excited and happy?
This is the opposite of it.
You feel it at the base of your collar bone, or rather deep into your throat?
This bellowing feeling that slides up the back of your lower head, and goes away just as soon as you feel it.
Yeah, it's an odd unpleasant feeling.
I'm so angry at myself for forgetting to buy cookies at Wal-mart last night though, LOL
The empty package is just sitting here, along with a can of vienna sausage I keep in my room just in case I get hungry when i am too tired to get out of bed and make food.
Btw, I don't feel like correcting that run on sentence....
lololololol
Good night.
And no video tonight, sorry :/ I'm trying to head to bed early, I'll call you soon.<3
________________________________
1:20 am
Nevermind, I made a quick oneee! <3
Gonna call you naoooo!

The lilies bloomed today.

12:43 am
_______________________________

I feel like my intestines are being pulled and stretched away from me.
My abdomen feels bubbly, bloated; I am on my period.
I also soiled another pair of shorts...

I'm finally eating the spaghetti I've been wanting to eat since 9ish today?
Earlier, the sister and I left our rooms to spend some sisterly bonding time together and make spaghetti!
She prepared the noodles, and sat down to continue reading her magazine as I stood in the kitchen across of her and minced onions and garlic.
Blinking and squinting, the onions slightly burned my eyes..
I managed though, because I was avoiding the fumes...
We laughed, and giggled, chit-chatted about the funnies, and then the noodles were done.
She asked the question I still wonder and think about if I didnt choose what I chose...
She asked: "Do you want to pour the noodles? Or hold the strainer?"
I literally hummed, and thought about it, and chose to have her poor the boiling olive-oil infused noodles into my basket..
fuck.
She was holding the pot pretty high, and poured it out pretty fast, it splashed off the walls of the sink, and like a wave, it fell onto my right forearm and fingers. I swore at her.
I was in pain, and I raged when she told me it was my fault.
I cried out of frustration and stormed off.
My arm had these red oddly shaped spots, and I was just really upset. I went back out to grab a frozen dinner, and back into my room to be the stubborn little faggot I was, and layed my arm on this frozen meal.
When the redness started to fade away, I became even more upset because I felt extremely guilty and pussy-like for crying over that.
I think it may be my emotions, i dont know. But tonight I wasted a good night to hang out with my sister, since she's hardly over.
Sadface.
Well, We're probably going to laugh it off tommorow, LOL
It always happens.
Brb! Going to eat now, Dinner is getting cold.<3

____________________________________________
1:39 am

back.
So the lilies bloomed today.
I think I may be in love, and I can't get this person out of my head.
It really scares me.
As much as he says that it won't happen, I'm afraid that he would leave or disappear.
I've already told him how I felt.
I still find it amazing how quickly he could cheer me up.
He makes it hard for me to feel sad, LOL.
It's a different feeling. And I can't get enough of him.

I just sidetracked. I feel so stupid now just thinking about the person I was a month ago. I was in love with this other guy for a long time. I'd even worry about his health, because the thought of not being able to grow old with him made me ache. I admired everything about us, that I couldnt see what he was doing to me, I couldnt hate him.
Then that week came, and I slowly started to wake up.

Now theres this really strong feeling that's stirring in me.
It's not really revenge, it's more like rising, and being free.
I am no longer attatched, or stuck.
Days can go by, and it doesnt hurt anymore.
I am fucking happy.
Which brings me back to him.<3
I don't think I've met anyone that's ever gotten me to have hope for love again,
To have me let go of my past, and be happy about it.
He inspires me.<3
About to call you now, its 2:06 am
_____________________________________________________________________

Le sigh,

12:42 am
_______________________________________

In the end, I'm not really happy about how it turned out. That's what happens when you stop doing art, I need to be consistent and I need to continue practicing.
But I guess this turned out pretty decent knowing that I used old watercolor paint from the 99 cent store, and q-tips.. LOL
Then I outlined and detailed everything with ink and a caligraphy pen...
Even I realized that my pen skills were a bit rusty, I use to be swift and clean, This time I was sluggish and sloppy. I accidentally rubbed my hand on alot of parts, I made alot of strands solid black because of that,
including the one under her chin- It looks like a beard, and it pissed me off, LOL.
If you havnt noticed by now, I like to draw figures in somewhat alluring poses, and hair.
The hair is my favorite part!

[click to enlarge]




After doing that, I noticed that I have an odd style of shape when it comes to outlining my drawings... I love lines. Like hair, I send alot of things into 'spiral" or I make things bend and curl. I create these sharp yet smooth moldable shapes, and I'm really comfortable with it. I love detail. Here are two examples:



[click to enlarge]




Btw, Goodmorning! <33333
You special person you, ;]

_______________________________________________________________
12:43 pm

Hi!
I'm gonna go fishing today with my sister/ Huy, and my brother, Be back later! :D

Just realized

_________________________________________________
6:44 am
Hi.
Goodmorning!
I love being up early. The air is cold,
the smell of freshly brewed coffee... the steamed rice.
My mother is up around 5 am to make coffee and breakfast for her hubby and herself, and It's really cute. I want it to be like that when I'm married.
As much as I wouldnt mind doing the same routine every morning, It would be nice having those unexpected mornings where I'd get up to brush my teeth, and he would secretly come up from behind and...
lolololololol.
Teehee, anyways, like the title, I just realized that I really like watercolor and ink! That stained glass look, with those dark piercing lines- It really attracts me.
When the paper is wet, a droplet of paint would fade and disperse in a beautiful cloud... diffusing with other paints.. I love it.
I also love working with caligraphy pens...
I havnt really touched watercolor, I'd normally use acrylic, because it's cheap, hehehe.
Oil paint is a favorite too, but it's expensive, and I need to use the proper brushes.. The turpentine eats them up.
I do love the smell though.
I'm just finishing up this mini project i'm working on, so maybe it'll be done today.
As for now, I'm going to make some toast and coffee!
Be back later.<3
_________________________________________________________

Chilly morning

______________________________________________
8:15 am

So I woke up pretty damn early today! Around late 5am because Shadow was meowing outside of my window again.. That bitch. I find it really cute though. I could tell apart alot of her meows- she has one particular meow when she's outside of my window calling for me!
It kind of sounds like she's saying " MOM!" "MOMM." Mommmmmmmmm!"
Or when she loses me in the house, she walks around meowing the same way.
(She's doesnt like to be left alone, and likes to be around people)
If I don't come out to get her by then, she climbs onto my window, and starts meowing.
Doing this, She knows that I will have to come out and get her.
Because I always have. And if I don't, She'll be there for hours.
I once ignored her, and I felt completely bad because when I came out to see her, She limped because her paws hurt. Now, I just never let her stay in spider kitty mode for too long.
Anyways!
...
I like being up this early, it's nice.
I get to see my parents before they head out to work..
Oh! And I'm also watching over my little brother because he's sick.

I feel artsy today! And I feel like putting my materials to use...I feel bad.
I have abandoned my drawing books. And I feel really inspired today.
So, maybe new art? I'll probably post the finished product on tumblr!
Be back later!

_______________________________________
4:27 pm

Yay! I got a late Valentines delivery today! ^_^ I teared up, LOL
I told him I liked the color blue, and I don't remember whether I told him I liked lilies too, but AHHH! Here it is,<3




Thank you.

Much better.

_________________________________________________________________________
11:13 pm

Hey.
I'm sorry about the emotional posts, I'm fine now. I've thought about it.
I don't deserve any of this.
I'll just use this as another motivation to be better.
Right Krizko?

right.

Theres also been another special person that's been helping me. <3
I havn't felt these lovey dovey feelings in a long time, it feels nice.

Anyways, I made a cute breakfast for my mum the other day!
Turkey sausage, fried egg, crisp fresh potatoes with melted cheese, and a cinnamon sugar french toast with a chocolate heart!<3 She orgasmed in her mouth.

Beautiful lies.

_____________________________________________
12:34am

Never again.
Never again.
Never again.
Never again.
Never again

Never
Again.
...

I will make you regret everything.
I will make you watch me,
want me.
Someday youre going to remember that you once had me.
When the days are cold, and those feelings you sold, rise from the mold,
That mold that stuck, that muck you created, and abandoned as swift as a pluck,
Like a petal, you couldnt settle for one, for I wasnt enough,
Not shiny enough, because this crystal you scuffed, scratched, and cracked,
couldnt shine in the buff, I was frosted.
Frosted like those marbles you played in elementary school,
There, life was still cruel, I was still a tool, a pretty jewel, drowning in this pool, full of control, and pleasure, I'd stop at no measure
to please, and excite, and then I met you.
Feelings soon began to ignite,
Everything felt right, Night's were so bright, and then you took flight,
That flickering fire , took you only one puff, you blew me away
decisions became tough, I straightened out my cuffs,
I've had enough.
I'll be on my way.

I'll be on my way.

.......



Maybe youll see what I what I went through, and wonder why I even stuck around.

Don't tell me your'e sorry, because I am.

Rainy morning!

____________________________________
8:19 am

It's raining in the morning again, and I'm home alone with Shadow!
Mornings like these makes me wish I was older.
I'd walk around the house wearing only a cute loose tee, and cotton undies.
Making french toast for my hubby and watching him walk into the kitchen like a zombie.. As I hum a melody to myself, He'd come up from behind, wrap his arms around me, and kiss me on the cheek.
Then heading to the living room, he would sit on the couch, and yell:
"MAKE ME A SAMMICH BITCH!"
LOLOL. Okay maybe not the last part, but everything before that, *Sigh*
Well.
Poor Shadow waited outside of my window in the rain, that's what woke me up.
Wait, no. It was him, but I went back to bed.
Anyways, I feel...... GOOD
I'm in a really cleany mood right now, so after I fix myself some french toast and coffee, I'm going to start some harcore cleaning! ^.^

Be right back.
__________________________________________________________________________

12:00 pm

That's it.
One last time, and then I'm done.
I already knew this was coming, and you arent mysterious and exciting to me anymore.
We were fucked from the start.
I'm sorry. The whole ride was exciting, but look where I am now?
I've been shoved under the rug too many times,
I always do that, I never do watch after myself, I feel like a dirty safety blanket for you.
Look at you. You are fine now. After everything, you still have your friends, you still can go out without being looked down upon, because we kept you safe.

I literally lost and sacrificed everything, and you wonder why I always feel so unappreciated and used.

Do you remember this piece I wrote?
..

"She will cling......Like a vine, she will intertwine.........feeding off your simple friendly remarks,
She is addicted, She is Convicted, Like I predicted she will not stop...............
Because this love she has for you is not restricted., It will not drop.
Until that day, she can call you her own, she's in the zone, all dignity is thrown.... She will groan, for a grasp, for a taste of your sweet glorious mind.
Undefined, so refined, of all man kind, You are.
You have yet left another scar,,
Victorious, she will seize, and a soul mate is what she seeks.
Unknowingly as she speaks guaranteed tears will leak her cheeks


But I will plea.
I will plea for everything.
For abducting me.
Conducting me.
To my knees with effortless ease,
I have cheated, mistreated, depleted to the floor,
For you , I wanted to explore.
For me, you had nothing more, but a slight adore
For my strong desire to please, An expertise, a mere tease, an excitement galore.
I always thought I was nothing more.
Nothing.
more."

You always wanted me to finish it.
I've thought about it lastnight, and I no longer have the inspiration to.
I keep saying this.
It's getting really old.
Your ways, your words, everything.
I predicted it right the first time, and now with your next target.
You think you can have any girl you want?
You met me when I was a naive boy crazy highschool girl.
If I met you today, I wouldn't think twice.
I wouldnt strain myself for trying to forget everything.
One last time. And you wont see me again.

_________________________________________________________

2:00 pm
Fuck man, I totally just lied.
Ok I am going now.

Here I go again,

______________________________________________________
12:11 am

"Once upon a time, I met this one girl.
She was more than a diamond, more than your common pearl.
No jewel could compare to how much she makes you stare, best ride in the fair… that's why I call her

krystle.

She shone brighter than the sun, makes you wear stunna shades at night,
In a span of 30 days, I was the tunnel, and she became the light.
Let me vow to you right now that I'll never make you frown,
unless we're fucking so hard that you're smiling cuz your'e upside down.
I'll be here for all of your problems,

I'll be sure to stick around until you got none.
It don't matter what you say, you're the highlight of my day,
Krystle: I'm sorry but I"m here to stay.

I'll be here to buy you Doughnuts.
We can be kids together until we have to be grownups .
But even till then, I'll be the one you can come to,
pun intended, girl you know I ___ you. "


-This made me feel much more better.
So he's on the phone snoring right now.. Well, just breathing hard, LOL
And it's just amazing how fast you could cheer me up. Thank you.

So.
Here's a different story about another person.
Tonight I was being a curious kitty again, and got I really upset.
Why do I keep doing this.
Tonight I thought of something that really scared me.
I told myself that I felt I’ve been around for this guy for so long, that I no longer care about being hurt anymore. I’m in love. And that maybe I wouldn’t mind being used.
What if… I said that I like the feeling of being used….?
Maybe it’s a fetish. A dirty habit? I don’t know .
It’s a threat I like to take a different approach to. I’ll find a way to enjoy it.
All of the strong emotions that are involved, make it so addictive.
Emotional pain, love, pleasure, anger… and control?
Looking up at the person you love, and having this anger grow and stir within you, because you know that you are being used and toyed around with.. Resulting in you wanting to make this person feel good.. In the most risque and mischievous way possible. Deliberately causing harm or damage, and being able to control, and be controlled?
After all, we’re all just humans with bones and flesh.
My feelings aren’t hurt easily.
And don’t ask me where my dignity has gone.
That quality is bull. Being worthy of esteem or respect?
I don’t need your respect, and I am not disrespecting my self morals.
I dont comply with your formal rules. I don’t hold back,
I experiment and test myself; I am a mad scientist.

God, this sounds terrible. Maybe I need help.
Just kidding! I got this bitch.

I've been attatched and in love with this guy for so long that I could feel okay if he doesnt feel the same. It's happened before, and as long as he's here, then I'm fine. Then again maybe I'm not soaking his words and feelings he says he has for me. I've been a puppet for this guy for so long, I don't know whether his feelings are false or not.

Then I crawled into bed, and thought.
Do I really need him? Yeah I can handle the pain, but do I still want it?
I've been watching him. Maybe I'm just getting bored of it all.. Maybe I want something new.
I'm just waiting for that moment where he fucks up big time, so I can just completely dissappear. It's always been that way.
I have a really strong moral about me never leaving anyone.
I always stick around.
If you ever disown me, I will haunt you in your dreams, Do you understand that..?
You'll never hear or see me again.

For now, I'm fine, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm better than this.
I know, I know, but trust me, it's just really complicated.
Tonight I felt depressed and angry... Then I felt horny. LOL
But I think that's normal, because I'm getting my period soon, and well, nevermind.
lololololol alright.

All I need to say is that there's someone really special sleeping on the phone right now, and I want to go back to bed and join him.
He's been making me feel really weird lately. And he just gives me hope.
goodnight!<3

choke me. I've been suffocating.

____________________________________________________
1:13 am
"My weekly love horoscope"
For the Week of Feb 1st, 2010 -- You may go through a rough patch early in the week, perhaps feeling abused, ignored or underappreciated. Resentment could also get the weekend off on the wrong foot, but that will change by Saturday night. When the Moon zips into optimistic Sagittarius you can let bygones be bygones. Finally, you'll be free to speak openly and play without worry

Damn. I hate you horoscope. I hate you again.


.....

Anyways,
I feel much better now.
Earlier I was feeling light headed and sick..
I felt like throwing up.
Then I pooped and now I feel better, LOL
Oh and I also tanked a bottle of water, so maybe that helped..
lolololol

btw. After wandering around Tumblr, I stumbled upon this article!

http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

And after reading this, I think I finally have a better understanding of what I am. And I am completely fine with it.

I am an introvert. And a retired extrovert.

I use to be very energetic around people.. Seeing or hanging out with a bunch of friends every week was very important to me, and I just loved to mingle and be around others. That was me a long time ago.

I think I've done so much that I've had enough. I had enough of the drama and the negative people. I lost alot of friends and I just ended up with a special select few. And theyre all i need.<3

I use to pick at myself, trying to figure out why I'm not interested in the things I use to love so very much.. It made me feel lonely! Was I just thinking too much? Why did I lose the desire to want to socialize ? Isn't that what people like doing?
I felt like something was wrong with me.
I seriously thought that I've been depressed for a long time.
No.
Now, I've realized that theres nothing wrong with introspection, and being a complex thinker. I do like being alone, and I do wander and think too much. I absolutely love to observe people around me, and I am fascinated by it.


Albert Einstein, Issac Newton, Charles Darwin are a few introverts too.<3
A few of the many idols I love.

"Introverts have a lot to bring to the table. They have an amazing ability to discover new thoughts, an uncanny ability to focus, to concentrate, to connect the dots, to observe and note things that most people miss, to listen extremely well and are often found having a rich and vivid imagination too."

With that said,
I am still the friendly Krizko. So don't worry about me. I'm not shy or anti-social, I'm just really careful now. I am not going to push people away. It will be tough for you to gain my trust, though.
To me, when I allow someone to be a part of my life, it's a big thing.
All of my trust, time and energy is used, and not a single day will go by when I am not thinking of you.

I am a happy introvert. :]




So it's 2 am now.
Goodnight!<3

Blog Tv !

Sooo after doodling a few viewers one of them wanted to "return the favor" and sing a song! Read the chat, LOL they say the most ridiculous things.

"The only song you know... is the little mermaid."
LMAO



Under the sea! - Broadcast your self LIVE

And I have an announcement everyone.


dududududu - Broadcast your self LIVE

Yeah :/
We should of gotten Shadow spayed earlier. Shadow is still the same demon kitty but 83748923749207304 times more. I love her. <3


[See Tumblr for screenshots!]
http://krizkotv.tumblr.com/

Im craving gummie bears

____________________________________________________

12:51 am

"Open your eyes, open your mind
proud like a god don't pretend to be blind
trapped in yourself, break out instead
beat the machine that works in your head"

Guano Apes- Open your eyes
This song has been replaying over and over... It's been my motivation song, hehehe
The lyrics are deep..

Anyways, today I was really upset.. I just felt that alot of friends were turning their backs on me, and tonight I just came to a decision that if these people were really friends, it wouldn't be like this.
That's one thing I strongly despise.
When it seems that people don't have a mind of their own. Letting others opinions and self reasons make their choices also.

People that dont have an open mind to even think that there are two sides of a story?
That things aren't just Black and White; theres gray also.


So no more pouting! I don't have the time or want to change anyones perspective about me, and I certainly will not crawl and beg for anything. I'll just be me.
People will think, talk, and judge;
let them.

.............


I'm really craving gummie bears and sour gummie worms!
Or cheesy popcorn!




Oh and yesterdays Horoscope!
"Monday, Feb 1st, 2010 -- You need to finish up an old project now so you can be ready for the new opportunities just around the next corner. But it won't be easy to tie up loose ends when it's so much fun to imagine untying them. You could be your own worst enemy if you really think you can outsmart the timing of the cosmos. Stop procrastinating; your lack of attention to your chores can only delay the inevitable for so long."

Sigh.