Wednesday!

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8:08 pm

Hey, a lot of your comments inspired me to come back and continue updating my blog!
I am really sorry for not being very active... I've just been really busy,
cough* masturbating

Anyways! I've been reading back on my old entries, and I am starting to realize that I love my posts..and I enjoy reading them a lot.
Lately I have been having a lot of emotional posts... Maybe that's why I've stopped posting because I vowed to myself that I would stop writing about a specific subject, and I just don't want everyone to think I'm a emotional wreck.
heh.

For those of you that want to follow my blog, I'm sorry about taking down my follow button, I just thought it looked really ugly LOL
But! There is still a way to follow me!
Go to your blogger home (dashboard) and right below the list of all the blogs you are following, there is a "ADD" and "MANAGE" button. Click on the "add" and paste my blog url (http://krizkoblog.blogspot.com/) in there! And Ta dah!~
You are now following me on Blogger.
I think I'll just add a follow button somehow in the side bar so...

:D

[Re-edit] OK I FINALLY ADDED A FOLLOW BUTTON LOL

okok!
So as I was saying, I need to get back in the habit of updating my blog...
Also replying back to people on my cbox and formspring...
I think I'll do a review on the rest of my contacts soon..
Also, I'm expecting three packages in the mail! Including possible Kitten fabric from a online friend!
I've been introduced to Ebay people.
I'm scared too.

I have more to tell you, but I'm gonna go get some breakfast! French toast and coffee is calling me.

Be right back honeysuckles.

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11:51 pm

YES I MADE IT

so......

On Monday, It was a great day.
The air was cool, the sun was out, the birds were chirping, and I went outside barefoot to grab the laundry that was hanging dry. That was sweet too. My cats following me around, playing with my feet...
I grinned at them for being extra playful while I tip toed.. grabbing the linen and cotton sheets, they were so observant, and well, cute.

With a full load of laundry I picked the plastic basket up and I skipped my way back into the house, humming a melody to myself.
Halfway there I froze, and the basket falls to the ground.
Sucking in my gut I felt a sharp pain under my foot. I sat myself down and just store at it.
It wiggled.
ITS A FUCKING BEE STINGER
I braced myself and pulled it out with my fingernails..
A sweet scent on my tips was left, I thought it was cool
Having no knowledge about bee stings, I picked the basket up once again and I continued my way into my home.
Every second after I stood up, my foot began to pulse and stab with pain, I freaked out and ran into my room.
I sat on my bed squeezing my foot because the pain was so strong, I didn't know what to do or what was happening to me, I called him.<3
He was worried and he was really trying to help me..
I fucking love him.
Asking me about any reactions to be sure I wasn't allergic, or I wasn't going to die soon, LOL
After all, this was my first bee sting!
Being the stubborn person I am, I said I didn't need the baking powder or Apple cider vinegar he said I should use.. (It's suppose to help soothe the pain, and clean out the bee venom)
I thought bee stings weren't anything special, that it would go away in an hour or two.. Yeah it hurt, but hey I can handle a few hours..
All I did was clean my foot with alcohol, and seal it with a band- aid.
fuck me.
Its already Wednesday and I've been limping.
I feel like I'm stepping on a swollen ball, and it just hurts and itches...
I feel like my foot is going to fall off!!!
I couldn't even go out with the family to Walmart and Costco because I can't walk like a normal person..
It looks like I had really rough sex..
Anyways, It's getting better though!
My packages didn't come in today either, sad face.

Hopefully tommorrow!

....
..
...

Even though my week has been very unlucky... I feel extremely happy.
With him.
Tonight I felt like new doors were opened.. I've done something I've never done before and he just makes me feel so comfortable.
Not a hundred percent, but I'm getting there!
it's a really nice feeling.
My whole day pretty much revolved around him, and it was great.
Tommorow I will reply back to everyone okay?
My hands were full today (if you know what i mean ;] )
LOL jk
But tommorow! I need to get back to everyone!<3333333333
Goodnight!~

hi

Tapioca pudding

__________________________________________________________
12:53 am

Tapioca pudding on my tongue...
If only semen tasted like tapioca pudding.. .. .... .... . . ..
Well. I sure was emotional this weekend.
Maybe it's because i'm getting my period soon?
I've never felt so depressed and unhappy like that though.
I cried hard.. digging my face into my pillow to groan and scream.
I've never cried to the point where it was hard to see.
Not eyes so blurry with tears, (I actually think everything looks pretty that way)
but because I swelled up so much.
They still are, but it's getting better!
Sigh. \
I need to man up.
"Stiffen up that upper lip."
I have too many reasons to not be "unhappy"
I always think about all the people that could have it worse,
Or at all the things I have.
I have a loving supporting family,And even though I haven't met many of you out there,
All of you are still living breathing humans behind a computer screen.
Just like me. Reading texts, viewing pictures, clicking anything and everything that pleases the eye..
I appreciate all of the support I've been given. I really do.
I read everything, every positive kind comment given, it gives me temporary happy feelings, LOL
but really.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. About what I want. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. And I realized.. That I need to stop trying to manipulate my life. I am in control of what I do. And that's it.
I am going to stop trying to make every single thing go my way. I'm learning to take life as it comes at me. Even if a lot of things seem like I'm at the right place at the wrong time, I will make the best of it. I've been given the most amazing family, a good home, the best of friends, a passion (art),... and now it's my job to turn what I've been given into something. And I realized, that I need only one person in my life to do that. And that's me.
Tonight I thought. What do I want to be remembered for when I die? Do I want to be that girl everyone loved? Or do I want to be the girl everyone looked up to? The one they admired? Who do I want to be? Or rather... Who am I?
I'm Krystle. :)
I am a strong girl. And sure, I may not have been through the things some of you have.. but what I have been through has hurt too, and it has affected me.
These things tore me apart. I became weak.
I lost nearly everything. And I will never get it back.
These friends, these people around me, In 10 years they wont mean a thing.
No one will give a shit about what you did.
What's going to matter is how you progressed from it.
I'm going to stop dwelling on my past. I need to accept my childhood, I need to stop picking at myself for that.
I'm going to take a different approach to this.
I want to be happy.

FUCK RUCK FUCK

---------------------------------------
3:31 AM
me.
kpoifjkelmafoefolf:ohjbnkl:"lfkjaef:"f>AWD:>A:F>E:FL"RF;WE][LTGR,E[LTEW[]F;WE][;FSE'[;LFSD[P'FKSEFP
FUCK ME.
FUCK ME
FUCK MY CURIOSITY
I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP
FUCK THIS
_____________________________________________________________
2:41 pm
Ok.
I am okay.
I'm just really numb and emotionless right now, so i'm just going to be away for a while! I need some fresh air.
Be back tonight-

Damn March 7

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9:32

So guess what I got in the mail yesterday!
A special package from a special someone! ;] <3
For a ring, it came in a big box, Which is a GOOD thing.
So A+ for packaging Hot Topic!
The bigger the package, the better of a chance of it not being lost during delivery!
And delivery was lightning fast too.
When you open it, there's brown packaging paper, and the cute ring wrapped in bubble wrap!
I squealed.

I was really surprised of the quality at first. (Since this ring was $8.00)
The ring was heavy and seemed like it was some kind of expensive steel~
BUT actually, we believe it COULD be copper underneath.. But who knows, I didn't scuff my ring yet ;]











Later in the day we headed to the mall to eat lunch at Pearls Barbecue!
I got a Mini Kalbi plate with Fried mandoo, cabbage, pickled seaweed, and rice!
YOMM!



^
LOL when it pauses. I look like a na na.

Got to the movies early to wait in line, and I bought a fucking 5 DOLLAR Icee slushie...
le sigh.









Also did simple Cheshire cat inspired nails!


I love you.
__________________________________

Last one for you.

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12:57 am

Hey.
This is the last post I'll ever mention you.
-You're welcome.

Don't tell me it makes you sad that I'm ignoring you.
That word makes it seem as if I am being wrong to you.
Yeah, I'm choosing not to have anything to do with you, but it's not me being ignorant or inconsiderate.
What you did, was painful.
You knew exactly what you were doing. Everything was fine between us,
(or so it seemed) and then suddenly you became distant and uninterested.
I found out for myself, and now you'd like you and I to still be "cool"...?
Really..?
No.
You were secretive and dishonest with me. If only you told me what was going on, and what you really wanted. If you sat me down and reasoned with me, I would understand and still want to be there for you no matter what.
Now, it disgusts me to see how excited you get with new jewels that sparkle in front of your eyes. It's child like.
But hey, I don't know anything at all.
I really don't.
And I don't want to hear it.
You want us to still be friends?
Why..?
So when things don't go right, you can always come back to me like old times?

The only thing I was in love with was your mind and soul. Cheesy as it sounds, I was in love with "us."
Because I felt like we've been in so much shit that we could always go to each other for comfort. That no one else could understand us or the things we've done.
I do not care about how many girls you've fucked (emotionally and/or physically) Those kind of things are forgivable. I own an extremely complex mind, many things are forgivable and acceptable to me.
But when you hide things from me and push me away, I can't do anything.

I strongly believe in equality- It means I don't chase after others.
It's important to me that we are all fair.
I'm a fucking Libra.
I will not feel okay leading a person on, or to chase others, and vice verse.
If I am pushed away, you break us as a whole, "We" do not exist anymore.


Then again, maybe I was just in love with "us."
It was like our little get away. When things changed, we changed.
I started to see through that. This secret "love" we had.
and I'd question you.
Taking out every bit, I observed and analyzed everything I knew about us.
You never did seem to want to truly connect with me.
You never did understand the reasons why I felt the way I felt.
I don't think you are even aware of how brain sick I am.
Gtfo.
just kidding.
Well, just don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Thanks for the experience and your time.
I really do not have anything left to say to you.
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1:14 am

Here's an explanation for you, and for anyone else that is curious to know why I am so "abnormal", odd, unusual, and/or "fucked up".

My childhood was different. It was not terrible though. A person I was close with did things to me at a very young age, so I didn't understand whether it was wrong or right, all I knew was that I made that person happy. And it pleased me that I did. We created this really close bond, and when I started to get older, I became very unsure, and things became forceful and frightening. One day It went too far, we just stopped. And it was never spoken of again. I lived my life as a normal kid, never did I once look back and wonder about it. I'd be utterly frustrated and confused with all of my relationships. Sometimes I'd look at my partner as if he were a brother to me. Doing physical things confused me, it seemed as if we were just conducting actions, exchanging saliva, and feeling flesh and skin most of the time. I was good at a lot of things, I loved to please to excite, and I still do.
I would observe and watch them, I would look into their eyes and just wonder. They always ask me why I do that. When I give you that "look." I was curious to know what they could be thinking or feeling... Playing with your hair and watching you fall asleep. I do feel that cute lovey dovey feeling, but I always question it. I am reminded and I end up over thinking. Then I just feel overwhelmed and flushed out. And I become numb.

Even till today, I am still confused with myself. I don't like to think about it because I end up becoming really depressed.
I'm just a huge mess, and I know it. That's why I've been so distant and careful with getting close to others. I don't want to hurt them. I feel that I may be too much. Maybe I need help.
There's also this guy. I've been talking to him for quite a while now, and he says that he could "fix" me.

I hope so.<3

[*Re-edit - To "fix"..... It sounds really bad I know. Allow me to re-word this..
He says that he can make me understand what "love" feels like, and keep it that way. Does that sound better?<3]

Yeah. I can say a lot of my past relationships weren't very good at "love making" LOL
(But please don't be offended. These people were never aware of my past.
It was just recently that I even began to remember it too.)
With them, It all seemed like deeds to me.
And there was very little foreplay.
Or foreplay was rushed to get there.
I obviously did not mind because I liked making them feel good.
A few ended quickly because it seemed that that's all we ever were.. I got bored.
Here's the problem, I need someone that can handle and control me, tease me.
Surprise and hold me down. Give attention to every limb on my body and take over.
It doesn't even have to be sexual.
When you hold my hand, I don't want to be dragged around aisles of a grocery store like a puppy. I don't want to feel like a child holding your hand.
I want you to take my hand and I want to feel safe holding on to it.

Okay now my words are turning corny.
I should stop now..
Leave me alone!!!!
LOL

ok bye