high chair

11:56 pm

Hi : D
I am really happy.
I'm sorry about the past emotional/dramatic posts lately : /
Well, What has Krizko been up to?!
My Brother Bear Kevin came back to Maui for a week to visit, that's what!
He took me out a few times- Thank you Kevin*.
He brought me up to Kihei to eat some delicious Thai curry, I forgot what the restaurant was called, but good lord it was yummy. I ate this coconut creamy curry with chicken, carrots, sweet potatoes, broccoli, and other vegetables/herbs with a side of warm jasmine rice! I found it cute/ funny how he got me a fork instead of chopsticks with out asking me. I don't know how to use chopsticks and I hold my utensils like a shovel : D Here's a photo of it!




*Also, heres a photo of the most tastiest pizza I've ever eaten.
Kevin took me to Paia for this piece of heaven.

We caught up, and then headed to the Shops of Wailea to go window shopping and kill time before we head back to his place for some kind of get together I ended up not going to! hehehe .... It was going to be too late : /
I went to the ABC store to see if they sold this Shea body butter- THEY DID!!
It makes my skin feel so soft and glowy.. I'll post a picture of it later*


While Kevin was playing with tourist souvenirs, (like slipper fly swatters or shark chomper toys) I was fascinated by all the pretty Hawaiian jewelery! Including other touristy merchandise.. It was so odd of me.
I feel like I've stayed home for so long, and away from the people/places here that now I may be attracted to all this touristy stuff. Or just things people normally won't find special.
I think it's pretty cool. I feel that I am no longer influenced by things you usually would see around. It's like starting with a blank canvas; a clean slate.
My creativity, imagination, inventiveness; my vision is fresh. It excites me so much.
Somehow tonight, I feel like I finally woke up. Sure I've said that I felt inspired a few times back, but tonight- It's different. When nights like this get quiet, and everyone is asleep, the majority of the time, I get extremely sad or depressed.
But tonight, I feel so refreshed.
I think it's this new chair.
..
As I type out this post, I have my laptop on a stack of books. My dad changed my old dirty chair to a new one! I was pretty happy about it because I had old period blood stains on them LOL
Anyways, this chair is pretty high up. And it just changes the whole look of my room to me. I'm like a cat on the top of a bookshelf. This little boost up makes me feel as if I have an advantage, of planning things.. plotting things.. everything!
It spins around too so that's fun.
:D
Oh and heres another update! My renters moved out! That means I can be as loud as I can when I mastur- lololololol just kidding ; ]
But seriously, I was a teeny bit happy until my dad told me I had to clean the studio.
Le sigh. We were pretty surprised that there were no punched walls, or anything broken considering how much they fought.. They cleaned it up very well, and even bought a lei to leave on the doorknob as a "thankyou" too! That was very kind.
Even though the studio seemed clean, it was not clean enough for my dad's standards so he left me in charge of it. Every single inch of the tiles had to be spotless. He wanted me to scrub the grout in the tiles until they were white, and just pretty much clorox/Comet clean everything. I thought it's be easy squeezy too, but I was wrong. Especially with my cats walking in leaving their dirty paws all over the place, LOL
They kept me company though. And the boyfriend was on speakerphone too so it was fine, : D I did almost panic when I witnessed ink licking some comet dust off the tiles. She threw it up later lololol
My arms feel so fit now too , and my hands/feet/knees still smell like bleach!
Pictures!





you can see the lei, my phone charger, I just wanted to take a picture of this huge circle mirror as a inside joke to a special someone ;]




And these are just pictures of the teeny cute studio room we have open for rent now!
I fell face first and literally ate the bed trying to push it around so I could clean the tiles underneath it- That day I wished I had someone to help me move furniture around.. My cats weren't helpful at all! They just used me for the free ride :[
Someday I want a cute little apartment with my hunnie bunnie! This studio has a stove/fridge/ queen bed/ walk in closet/ bathroom/ electricty, water, and internet include for $775 a month! Along with 9+ outdoor cats, and most importantly me living right above you, LOL
You also get to spy on me on Mondays and Tuesdays because that's when I go ou to the garden to hang/fetch the laundry, rofl
And your windows are in full view of that.
Here is a picture of comet dripping down the bottoms of my knees because I thought it looked cool. I was on my knees cleaning okay : [



Also since summer is here, fruits are here!
We have boxes of watermelon and mangoes from my dad's company and all I've been eating for the past 2 weeks are Chimmychongas, watermelon, and mangoes LOL
AND LOOK MY WATERMELON IS SMILING (btw thats a strawberry banana smoothie I made when I woke up with a random craving for something cold/thick/ and fruity. ; ] I originally just wanted a slushie, but this was created instead!)

Hi.

1:36 am

Hey.

I just got myself together.
....
Rhythmical sharp taps on my glass window, I held my breath and turned my head.
My window was partly open so my blinds were gently swaying like a wave.
My heart even beat faster the longer I looked at them.
My window screen is still broken so anyone can stick their arm into my window, or even climb right in.
I was locked out of the house the other night, so I used that way to enter, and since then I haven't fixed it. I got nervous. I started to panic.
Then I got angry.
I learned that you don't feel so afraid when you become angry, so that's what I did. Adrenaline zooming through my veins, I gripped my fists and headed to my closet to grab my bat- but I paused.
I heard something!
I looked into the dirty speckled mirror and I saw my phone sitting on my bed sheets.
You were on the phone, making noises, and somehow I calmed down and felt better. I shut my window and locked it.
I crawled to the corner of my bed, and curled into a ball with you under my cheek.

...
You know, even though you're on the phone, it feels like you're here with me.
When I lay my cheek on the phone, I can feel the warmth...
And when I have you on speaker, I put you on full blast, so when you breathe, I can feel it. I can feel it on the hairs of my face.
It's so comforting; It's soothing.

It's 2:08 am now, so I'll be waking you up soon! It's one of my favorite things to do! It's a busy day for you tomorrow, as for me? I just need to clean the house spotless again..
Also, I keep watching this one specific cockroach that's walking around my desk. It's the same bug that's been roaming around my room, I know so because he's the only one thats not afraid of me.
Casually, It returns back to my soda condensation ring to suckle at, or it walks toward my elbow and just waits there.. I always wonder whether it's just testing me.. I just like to watch his antennas move.
AHHH! your alarm just went off.
You said something in your regular voice and then went back to sleep LOL
I'm going ti end this here now! Gonna go to bed and give you the Krizko morning special! <3 muah!

(Sorry about this post ending with no point but im tired and will edit this later)

breathing hard

12:49 am

You're snoring.
And that's because you're really tired.
4 hours of sleep, yet you can do so much.
I have never, ever, had a person put in so much effort to make me happy.
It's fucking ridiculous how patient you are with me.

Last night I cried hard again. And only then I learned and realized how mentally sick I am. I didn't think it was that bad until I really started falling for you. Because when I am thinking of you 24/7 I am now always questioning whether it's real or not just as much. And for the past nights I've been really taking it hard on myself. When nights get really quiet, and you're sleeping, I'm thinking about you.
That's when all the questions comes up. Along with the fucked up scenarios / past that are the reason for those questions.
But last night, when you asked me why it was so hard for me to believe how much you loved me- I thought hard, and before you knew it, I was getting an anxiety attack and I was gasping and crying. You calmed me down. And then you asked what goes through my head, what are these thoughts that trigger my depression..?
And Why is it still bothering me now? Why can't I just quit dwelling with the past?
Even I wondered why too.

I told you,
Imagine living a pretty fair life. You love being around people, you love having fun with others, you have your friends, the people you care for, your hobbies on the side, everything is just fine. Then one night something unexpectedly blows up and everything is gone. For the first 2 weeks I never left my house. Not even with the family. Then the next few months you isolate yourself from everyone else, and you avoid leaving the house as much as possible. But when you do, you are terrified.

Do you really know what this does to a person...?
Do you know what this does to a person's head..?
Sending yourself into exile?
Recovering from a recent downfall, I thought that time would pass by slowly, and that I'd heal and get stronger.
I did.
But I never thought that being away for so long could also do this to me.
This past month, I've been going out more often with my sister and her boyfriend. Registering for this fall, and doing other things like ordering food may sound pretty simple and to the point. As for me?
It's difficult for me to even work up the courage to even do it.
And it's so fucked up.
Talking to anyone else but my own family feels weird to me now.
My heart starts pumping really quick; I get really afraid and nervous.
When a stranger looks at me- I freeze, and I know they know I'm scared.
I try to hide it away with smiles and my uncontrollable giggles, but deep inside I am freaking out. I have been isolated from friends and people outside of my house that it scares me to death to even approach anyone.
And it makes me so angry I have become this way.


When everything disappeared, and I was pretty much left with nothing, I went into hibernation, to heal my self. Isolation started.
.....

I want to take a different approach to this. (again) Here's a new plan.
Instead of trying to repair things, I want to start new.
Because that's what everything feels like to me now. It's like being a kid at school all over again, and being afraid/ nervous on your first day.
I need to be excited for change and new things.
I need to quit using my fucked past to analyze and judge my present.
There is nothing good about it, and it is only a lesson learned.

And then there's you.
I have never considered actually believing a person when they say they really do love me. I know that sounds really bad, but I really like the feeling.
I've never had anyone get me so emotional, or get me to the point of tearing up when you explain your feelings to me. I love you. And I know you love me too. It's just difficult to avoid those questions. But I'm trying my best to understand.
----- I'm getting really tired because it's 2 am now, and I want to call you. LOL

muah.

Flickering

11:38 pm.

I really want to get over this feeling right now.
I cried again and I don't know why. So here I am, on a partly full stomach, writing, typing, hoping that doing this will help ease the feelings I cannot even name.
It's nights like these where
Something really tiny first ignites it, sparks it, and then it just engulfs over my whole head, smoldering everything. Every hope and wish become specks of flickering glowing pieces of ash, my feelings are alive yet they are still burning, floating away from the heat and the oxygen is keeping them alive
Coughing and wheezing,
I feel like I'm taking those ashes, and sifting them into a strainer
with uneven holes, I am shaking and quivering but these ashes are not going through, they are forming into these complicated clumps, gathering into clusters and as I rumble them around I am now watching them grow, and I am seeing them in a whole different angle as they roll and sway about my basket. I just stare at them-

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, but that's what I feel like whats going through my head. I'm just feeling depressed again, it's nothing new and I'll get over it soon, this helped a little, but I'm going to go outside to find Shadow, goodnight.

2:34 am

Ok I just wanted to hop onto the comp to say that I feel great and everything is fine now.
LOL.
......
It was the makeup sex.
HEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHE
ok toodles<3

Orange juice

7:06 am
__________________________________

Tangy orange juice on my tongue this morning, I love this.
I know this sounds a bit gross but-
( HEY I DID LAST NIGHT OKAY AND I'LL DO IT WHEN I'M DONE WITH MY DELICIOUS BREAKFAST)
I specifically skipped brushing my teeth just to drink this orange juice- Cmon we all know what orange juice tastes like after you brush your teeth! bleh!
And to eat sweet buttermilk dark chocolate chip pancakes with strawberries and bananas! :D
I need to practice my future wife skills ; ]
giggle

Also, I just did a couple reps... of morning squats with weights LOLOL
Can you imagine that

It's suppose to thicken up my legs, and....
it did!! ... HEEHHEHEHEHE
LOOK AT DEM LEGS


They say that lifting heavy weights with fewer reps makes you toner and gain more thickness?
I don't know but I need to start working on my arms and legs because I'm starting to get a belly HAHAH
I kinda took a 2 week break just to see what would happen
Though I kinda like it because when I slap my tummy it makes these cute flabby noises...
ANYWAYS
I'm usually a morning person, which explains the good mood I'm in right now,
but I woke up to the news on the radio talking about the highway to Lahaina ( where my mom works) still being closed from last night. The only way to get there is this back narrow and winding road no one ever takes because it's dangerous, and not recommended for the inexperienced ...? Sooo my mum is still home waiting for it to be clear! There was abanoner (HAHAH) ANOTHER* brush fire, we usually have one once or twice a year, but this one burnt down 1100 acres and also burnt an unoccupied house under construction.. There are evacuation centers open just in case anyone becomes homeless :O
I could only imagine all the spiders and rats running away from the fires and moving into nearby homes, LOLOL I feel so bad.

Which reminds me! We have acres and acres of Sugar cane here on Maui, and when they burn it down, all hell breaks loose. It's not just the burning manure you smell in the air, but when they burn down these fields, sugar cane spiders are seen, by the thousands, crossing roads- so much that it looks like mice, you have to close your windows when you're driving through the highway because they can get into your cars, oh my god. Thank goodness I don't live in the area.
Roflrofl i'm getting off subject--

I'm sorry again for not updating as much, I'm fine. And I feel inspired again.
andandand I love him so so so much. My heart feels like its on it's edge, and I get bursts of excitement and nervousness when I think about him coming here.
Two months.
TWO MORE MONTHS.
I get so worried, and my feelings about everything is rolling around on a ride, I am so... dkdfdklfkmzsfk;oef;ed
Too many things go through my head..
What if he doesn't like meeee
What if I'm not what he expected me to be likeEE
WHAT IF HE THINKS I'M UGLY
I know this may sound really stupid and silly but just the other night I sat myself down, And took about 2 hours looking at all my pictures... videos... blogs.. everything on the net. I was trying to get an idea of how others would see and view me.
Then I sat in front of the mirror and observed my face. Analyzing every little bit, from my pores, to my eyelashes... my tiny moles, my acne scars, my imperfect teeth, that slight overbite I have, my strong jawline, the man brows I need to pluck, my eye bags.. Just everything.
I even inspected my whole naked body,
Pouting at all the scars I have,
These scars all over my body..
These permanent and stubborn scars..
I felt depressed. Then I remembered him saying that he'd kiss each and every one of them, and after realizing how much he would have to kiss- that made me smile.
I stopped.
I stopped and made a self reminder that I need to quit picking at myself.
He loves me for me, and if he can accept things that even I have a hard time accepting, then I fucking love him even more, and I don't know how I could live and feel this happy and secure without him.

<3
Brb breakfast time~

From Shay!! <333
Must buy more stamps!