Well it's been a while.

Here I am again.
Like Humpty Dumpty here I am. Not sitting but balancing on my bottom on a paper thin wall.
Rocking back and forth, I fear falling, to the bad side. Though there's always hope that I can lean forward and fall into the bed of good instead.
I became an egg; silent with a protective layer securing my insides.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotions, I always seem to turn into this and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I become numb with feelings and thoughts, that I turn into a completely different creature.
And it's amazing how this egg metaphor fits what I go through every time I experience this situation all over again.  Or whenever we both go through this of course.

A mentor once told me that the most phenomenal artists in the world are also the craziest. That creative people feel more stronger and deeper when it comes to experiencing emotions. It explains why the one of the best artworks ever made, were created when the artist was feeling very depressed. (or feeling passionate about another emotion.)
I get to a point where I over think so quickly that by the time I catch myself, I'm already drowning in spider webs and spider webs of recycling thoughts. And If these thoughts are too quick or slimy to grip on, I end up putting this shield over myself, and I become this egg.
I become quiet and speechless as I am swaying back and forth in a repetitive rhythm.
And it's like I don't know what side is what until I actually fall over. There's that dark unforgiving side where I feel that I am not good enough, that I should end your misery, because I feel like I've done enough, that I only fuck things up, and that you deserve so much more that what I can offer. I hate that side so much, I end up thinking of any insecurity I can come up with, and I snowball, I grow into this unbearable heap of hate for myself that I don't want to hurt anyone with it. I hate it.  It makes me want to punish myself. And I hate it because I know it can't be in a visual way that will hurt others as well. I realize that I have to quietly hurt myself in my head, and I hate that too. I end up thinking of all the people that are less fortunate, that may be going through worse times, that may have bigger things to question about, and it makes me feel selfish, and greedy and then I hate myself even more. I hate myself more when I think of all the cruel people this world has to offer, and all the cruel horrific things that were done. And that I may be one of them. And before I even start, I hate again, thinking about how hopeless I must be that I  let hate itself swallow me so much during this cycle that I forget that in my right mind I always try to strongly believe that no one is ugly, and that there's always room for change or hope in people especially if they willingly hope for it too, and that alone is beautiful. And I start to hate again, thinking how ugly my thoughts are at the very moment, and how hopeless and pitiful I was becoming with myself. I am reminded of all the few times I feel annoyance towards certain others and how hypocritical it makes me feel. I hate that. I start to think about how far down I already am falling, and that I cringe at the thought of all the times I could have just stopped and turned around, and actually tried fixing things for once. It makes me think of all the strong people I know, and other strong others that could probably succeed in what I couldn't do last night.  That so many others are lonely, desperately searching for love. The heartbroken, and hopeless romantics.That they deserve you more. And again, this makes me hate myself when I am reminded that the only person you deserve more from, is me. And that it's completely horrible for me to even I think these things in the first place. To think so low of us, or you, that I have to put us down, and put others between us. And I hate that it's the one thing I tried to avoid, and never meant to do. At all. And I start to feel so stupid. I think so high of others, and hate myself for all the wrongs I repeated. And then again, I start hating. I hate. I hate. hate. hate. hate so much, that I feel the rage in my emotions just explaining this whole process, and it's really fucking funny because I am actually a bit scared that this might just push me over again. But no.  Not fucking right now because tonight it already happened. This type of hate is the worst kind because it's silent. Falling into a silent hate for yourself because you don't want anyone to pity you, and worry for you. And it's really sad. It's scary too. It makes you feel so lonely when you push everyone away to be alone in your hurtful thoughts. Which is really fucking silly because the reason why you are pushing is so that you don't cause hurt and worry, when really, you are hurting yourself, and the only thing people can do is watch you.
It's bad enough that they know you are suffering, but to be pushed away and not know what exactly what you are thinking, and not have a fucking clue of how you can be helped, having no fucking idea what thoughts I may be thinking, and how it may be eating me from in the inside. The time is constantly ticking away, and you know I am getting worse. And after doing your all, to be pushed away, with nothing else to do but wait and watch. - that must be scary. And I hate myself realizing this so late. And I'm sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. I'm sorry I put you through this, and that my thoughts are outrageously crazy to the point that sometimes I can't control them. And that sometimes they are too much. So much that it overwhelms me, and I get quiet. I'm so sorry. I don't mean for things to end this way, especially since it's so repetitive. These words alone can't explain my whole thought process because if I did, I'm afraid you might become lost too. That your mind will take this, and go through the same thing if I explained it in so much detail, that you can see yourself living it. Besides the fact that I can keep going , I am also afraid at this point that my mind might actually be concreting this process into my head, and that it might never escape.. I just feel that I need to let it out somehow, because I'm also afraid that if I cannot explain this myself, that this whole thing might actually absorb into my brain and never leave. The mind is one powerful monster, so I shouldn't even be explaining how complex my thought processes may be. Because my mind might actually believe it, and take it to another level. I don't know.

I just read over everything I quickly typed out just now, no stops, just unplugging my mind and draining it all out. And its weird. Sort of relieving but still scary. I become this egg that sways from what's considered good and bad in my head, and that wall is an annoying divider with questions written all over it.  Whether or not I should feel what, if it's right of me to feel something, comparing thoughts, and then trying to view from so much different eyes. When I am pushed over, I crack into pieces. And you're like the hen because you love me, and when those pieces scatter below you, you see mirrors of yourself, or us, that we seem broken. With yolk oozing and weaving those clouded mirrors , those are mixed feelings. Almost like scrambled eggs, but no one likes egg shells in that shit.

Or at least I don't..
I just hope you know that every time this happens, I learn a bit more about what's going on. And I hope that when I have a greater idea of how my mind works, that maybe I'll be able to control it better. I want you to know that when the day comes where I am finally in control of how my mind works, that we'll look back at all the hard times we had and realize how worth it was. I'll do my best everyday to make this work out for us. And in the end I promise you that everything from there on will go "eggs"actly as we want it to. (see what I did there)

L O L <3

I love you.