breathing hard

12:49 am

You're snoring.
And that's because you're really tired.
4 hours of sleep, yet you can do so much.
I have never, ever, had a person put in so much effort to make me happy.
It's fucking ridiculous how patient you are with me.

Last night I cried hard again. And only then I learned and realized how mentally sick I am. I didn't think it was that bad until I really started falling for you. Because when I am thinking of you 24/7 I am now always questioning whether it's real or not just as much. And for the past nights I've been really taking it hard on myself. When nights get really quiet, and you're sleeping, I'm thinking about you.
That's when all the questions comes up. Along with the fucked up scenarios / past that are the reason for those questions.
But last night, when you asked me why it was so hard for me to believe how much you loved me- I thought hard, and before you knew it, I was getting an anxiety attack and I was gasping and crying. You calmed me down. And then you asked what goes through my head, what are these thoughts that trigger my depression..?
And Why is it still bothering me now? Why can't I just quit dwelling with the past?
Even I wondered why too.

I told you,
Imagine living a pretty fair life. You love being around people, you love having fun with others, you have your friends, the people you care for, your hobbies on the side, everything is just fine. Then one night something unexpectedly blows up and everything is gone. For the first 2 weeks I never left my house. Not even with the family. Then the next few months you isolate yourself from everyone else, and you avoid leaving the house as much as possible. But when you do, you are terrified.

Do you really know what this does to a person...?
Do you know what this does to a person's head..?
Sending yourself into exile?
Recovering from a recent downfall, I thought that time would pass by slowly, and that I'd heal and get stronger.
I did.
But I never thought that being away for so long could also do this to me.
This past month, I've been going out more often with my sister and her boyfriend. Registering for this fall, and doing other things like ordering food may sound pretty simple and to the point. As for me?
It's difficult for me to even work up the courage to even do it.
And it's so fucked up.
Talking to anyone else but my own family feels weird to me now.
My heart starts pumping really quick; I get really afraid and nervous.
When a stranger looks at me- I freeze, and I know they know I'm scared.
I try to hide it away with smiles and my uncontrollable giggles, but deep inside I am freaking out. I have been isolated from friends and people outside of my house that it scares me to death to even approach anyone.
And it makes me so angry I have become this way.


When everything disappeared, and I was pretty much left with nothing, I went into hibernation, to heal my self. Isolation started.
.....

I want to take a different approach to this. (again) Here's a new plan.
Instead of trying to repair things, I want to start new.
Because that's what everything feels like to me now. It's like being a kid at school all over again, and being afraid/ nervous on your first day.
I need to be excited for change and new things.
I need to quit using my fucked past to analyze and judge my present.
There is nothing good about it, and it is only a lesson learned.

And then there's you.
I have never considered actually believing a person when they say they really do love me. I know that sounds really bad, but I really like the feeling.
I've never had anyone get me so emotional, or get me to the point of tearing up when you explain your feelings to me. I love you. And I know you love me too. It's just difficult to avoid those questions. But I'm trying my best to understand.
----- I'm getting really tired because it's 2 am now, and I want to call you. LOL

muah.